Marital Enigma

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Relationships in general, not just marital relationships in particular, work best on the principle of mutualism; a form of symbiosis in which both species benefit from the existence of each other. The pretext to such assumptions lies in studying the lives of the blind shrimp and the gobby fish together. The fish alerts the shrimp of danger by the sensation of touch through its tail to alert it for danger, whereas the shrimp maintains the borrow which is the shelter of their existence. The day either of the creatures stops acting upon their particular specifications their relationship will fall and crumble. Hence it is safe to say that mutualism works only when both the species willingly, and consistently provide support to each other.

In my belief, there are certain technical errors that mask our understanding of the essence of what marital relationships are supposed to be. Call it our cultural background or ancestral teachings but we’re often taught a few painstakingly ambiguous cliches. Cliches so inaccurate that it would light a flame ablaze within me to reconstruct and rephrase their existence, platitude so equivocal that I spontaneously zonked them out in search of measuring and finding the appropriate construct of marital relationships. For instance:

The very first being the typically overused metaphor in our culture which goes like;

“Life is a car [or any automobile depends on to whom it may concern :)] and husband/wife are presumably the footing and stronghold of it, the tyres. The car will remain unscathed until the tyres remain functional side by side and so on the journey will find a peaceful ending.”

This old shibboleth gives life a very narrow passage to breathe in case of mishappenings. The marital relationships in this sense become mechanized, fabricated, and very clustered ignoring the margin of the human err. A re-iterated and more comprehensible phrasing to this fabricated truth would be:

“If we indeed are hard-stuck on considering life as a car then it is not one, but two cars, running side by side and with the mutual decision, moving on the same road but not necessarily on the same destination.”

This construct is also practical and relieves the better-halves from the over-imposed stereotypic mutualism and all the unequal burdens of life.

Another aspect is the factor of “Space” in such relationships. Under the heaps of expectations built for each other, couples become suffocated. It is quite often considered too impertinent to give space to each other in every aspect of life. The sharing of every itsy-bitsy happening of one’s past and present is expected, which results in making the relationships stuffy and stale.

“In accordance, it is quite more rational to avoid sharing irrelevant and unnecessary things to maintain a decent and respectful relationship; not taking marital relationships as leaden and dusty hard-drives.Maintaining a safe distance,as to evade the impending doom resulted by over-familiarity within a relationship. Give each other enough space to breathe,think and act. Too-much bonding and intimacy can be helpful for soul satisfaction but it often makes individuals physically and psychologically handicapped.

Furthermore, a significant aspect is to understand the hallmarks of marital life. Three ingredients are vital for a successful relationship mix; respect, sincerity, and care.Without these three traits, mutualism in humans doesn’t work. Missing any one of the three will make the relationship a compromise, a co-existence with no meaning but just an everlasting painful act of survival …. nothing else.

My cynicism eludes and imparts me from believing in the existence of any laila/majnu but if there were any such existences of real love-birds, then their eternal love story would have been comprised of these three attributes, ‘i.e. respect,care and sincerity.If not then there is no existence of love but a fantasy.

The most damaging thing for a marital relationship is the element of disrespect and disloyalty. Care for one another sometimes can be overlooked yet vital for mutualism.

When relationships are not working, despite mutual effort then it is always better to leave such blood-sucking relations and with mutual decision-making, moving on should be preferred, because this is the only life God has bestowed us in this world. We don’t believe in reincarnations in this world except in the hereafter. So, don’t waste each other’s life by dragging compromised relationships in the name of children,(among such relationships the progeny would be affected in any case, so it’s better to choose among the wrongs in which children would be least affected) or whatsoever.

It is always important to keep in mind that relationships are always about ‘ give and take’. Unconditional love and regards in relationships are easy to advise but least impossible to implement. Although this attribute should be a human pride, emphasized by Carl Rogers but practically for long term relationships, this is not a workable solution.

We all should be realistic enough to understand the nature of our marital relationships to maintain the sanctity of life and humans in general. keep this bred-in-the-bone fact in mind, that relationships in this world are a support system for our survival, nevertheless, we all would be presenting ourselves on the day of resurrection as a sole entity, wholly solely responsible for our deeds only. Hence the rights and responsibilities in this world in context to any relationship are the deeds we would present as an individual (not as a couple), hereafter.

Never forget; Respect, care, and sincerity…..

Happy Reading ……