Parenting Crisis : A Clash of generations

There is almost always a triggering factor behind my writings, so is this time. As i always focused on societal norms; the unnecessary part of our lives that we all live, I regret I forgot to write about the tiny yet so significant population being mislaid in this societal milieu. Recently a happening took me awestruck; so, here is the outcome. please read till the end, it might be helpful to the parents and to all those who are taking care of the progeny around……

Encircled and apprehended by the Covid-19 pandemic, the world is witnessing the ‘life of alternatives’; the ‘thoughts’ never thought before, ‘the habits’ never grown before, and ‘the actions’ never done before. I must say that this is the strangest thing that ever happened to the inhabitants of the earth. History will surely write it as a “chaos in humanity”.

Probably, we are the last generation left who are actually an interplay between the old world of humanity and the new world of mechanization and robotics. We have seen the world transformation, but our next progeny would not. I can foresee that our children who are just a few years old now will be completely ignorant of the life which we have lived, as there won’t be any traces left of us. From the history books, they will learn that in past people strangely used to stand up from the chair when an elder/older come in front of them. Or it could be that ” it was a very awkward habit in the past that people used to visit each other in sorrows and joys” and something more like that..

It wont be wrong to say that we are passing through an “era of trial”, clearly “a time of wrongs”. A most suitable Arabic term i could found is an “era of fitan”. whatever we will do to save our faiths, preserve our belief systems, our humanness, would be considered as “Jihad”. one of the Jihads in the prevalent time, i want to talk about is parenting; the ‘training and grooming of our children. For me , beyond education training encompasses morals values, ethical principle and discipline. There are multiple aspects of parenting that needs to be addressed; here i am with some of the most significant parental crisis ….

The very first thing to keep in mind is that parenting is not only what parents do or say to their children, it is also what parents do to their own selves. During the early five years of child development, his/her eyes and ears are working as a sponge constantly absorbing and filling their blank slates of mind with the happenings around.

Never ever take kids around you as ” mere kids”. Their eyes are working as a camera and their ears as sound recorders. whatever going inside will stay their forever in form or the other. Inter-parental conflicts are the first wrong that is sponged by the kid. Parents fighting, abusing, disrespecting, and even debating harshly with each other in front of the kids are writing the same fates for their children too.

( Note: Do whatever you want but not in front of the innocents. They are not responsible for your own decisions)

The second worst parental crisis is the ‘brainwashing’ of children. This is the most prevalent societal dilemma in which parents are knowingly and unknowingly involved. In our society mothers instill hatred against paternal family, making the relationships of “phuphoos, chachas, tayas” as devils and comparatively fewer fathers do conversely. Amidst all this adult battle of egos, children become anxious and ultimately smarter, they get the clues to double-cross their parents. They start manipulating the parents as well as other relationships as they want. In my rough estimate, this is the case in every 1 out of five families.

what worst is coming out of this? let me tell you . The first thing is the seed of hatred in relationships that parents have bowed in the next generation which ultimately will pass on to the next generation and so on and so forth. This is why relationships are so terrible and plagued in our societies. The blame games have induced in the children mistrust and agony for the relationships.

(Note: take an oath today that you will not bow any seed of hatred in your generations against the relationships you have already lived. let your kids build their own relationships free from ancestral blame games.

The third most important concept is the “ambivalent parenting”; It begins with the blurring of lines between who is a child and who is the adult. All around me (including my own self) parents are sending wildly mixed signals to their children. At times children are treated like equals (to make them happy) as if they are the parent’s best friends.  At other times without any slightest warning, they switch to the mode of control with all the powers. parents oscillating between extremes are in fact generating a stressed-out progeny.

It leads to a generation of children who struggle with making decisions, are afraid to try new things and slow to grow up. Our children need us as parents, as loving authority, not as friends. They need guidance, a roadmap. if we give them confusing signals they will ignore the much needed guidance in the lives. we need to build clear boundaries with the children.

(Note: Finding the balance is key. always remember, we should help them develop the capacity to handle life’s hurdles , and grow into confident and independent adults capable of caring about others. We can’t do that by treating them like “mini-adults” one moment and controlled figures the next. 

The next very important concept in this “too-much-information” age is that parents do not understand how much they should micromanage their children’s activities. Two extremes are extremely deleterious for the children’s psyche life; 1) over pampering (in the name of love ), 2) neglecting (in the name of work). Those eagle eyes micromanaging every single activity of a kid leads directly to a child with trust issues, and insecurities. The same is the case with neglected children because parents are busier than ever and they have lost their own road maps. So, the children develop their own fantasies of life.

It leads to another tragic story. In this case materialism jumps in and plays its part. children seek for ‘ideal family system’ and develop a fantasized world of their own. Their every move would be very close to materialistic mode of life. The moral values just get buried under the heap of imaginative world.

(Note: you must have noticed until now that working on children is not a piece of cake . your every move is effecting your generation)

Then came the badly ignored, misused, concept of “Respect” and “obedience”. Very sadly, parents in their own battles forgot to teach the kids of fifth-generation these two ethical values. This is the commonest of the common dilemma we are facing; I still remember the stare of my mother, which always indirectly meant ‘to behave’. and it always worked. But now well-behaved children are kinda miss-fit in the environment. You won’t find children standing from their seats in front of their parents. You won’t hear the sound of DADA JAN and NANA Jan anymore. The most Bizarre sound for me is “yar mama/baba” “don’t Disturb me dad”,; when you have to beg your children for a glass of water then trust me this is the very thin line from where the seed of disrespect cultivates.

Always Remember ‘give respect and have respect’ is the formula that is best for parenting and as far as obedience is concerned do not work conditionally with kids. conditional love and positive regard will take out the element of “obedience” from where downfall of society starts. In this “time of wrong” give your child these two gifts, you wont be disappointed.

(Note: at least these two ethical principles are mandatory for every parent to pass on…)

Another excessively asked question from parents; why our children not satisfied, why they have annoying faces most of the time?. why their desires have no end. we are providing them everything and they are not even thankful a bit??? yes, it is right they are not thankful because we have not told them how we managed to provide them what they have right now. we haven’t made them thankful intentionally. On our face, they are saying, ‘it’s your responsibility to provide us everything’.

longings have no bay. we are providing them one thing and they are asking for the other…. still unhappy with the same complaint ; “what you have done for me??”

Instill the element of “thankfulness”. Tell them what if you would not be able to provide the luxuries they have; show them the alternatives; by taking back or withholding or any other way you carve.

(Note: do not fulfill the luxury desire until you are sure that your generosity is accepted by the child, otherwise whatever you are doing is a waste and your child will never learn the percipience for you and the others)

Last but not least is the concept of “Punishment”. Every one of us should take it in mind that punishment is the most important principle of disciplining the life of your children. For people who think that punishment is a hard blow to the confidence and self-esteem of a child. I would dare to disagree, let me tell you why?

The concept of the day of judgment is part of our ‘Emaan’ , our belief system, so very first thing to keep in mind is that punishment is not a conflict to our already set principle of ‘jaza and saza’ in our mind. secondly there are certain rules of punishment that we should need to follow to train our children;

1) make your intentions right. you are punishing to train not for your self satisfaction.

2) never humiliate your kids in front of any other person nor even siblings

3) do not use abusive words of shame and disgust/never ever do point scoring with the kids. they will develop a habit of debating on their wrong doings

4) always give punishment with a logic.

5) punishment for one specific purpose should remain contingent and stringent . Ignoring for once will make your purpose ineffective.

(Note: (follow these rules of punishment to train your kids. Taking back certain benefits, incentives is one of the best ways. )

In this fifth-generation era, things have entirely changed. we as a parent need to accept the big generation gap and change our thinking patterns likewise. Deal your children with logic. kids always come up with ‘why and how” because of immense exposure and you need to answer with appropriate responses or else you are risking your credibility. Dealing the kids of silicon-age with the mind of decades-ago generation will not work. Improvise yourself. The current pandemic is giving us a lot of time to think and make our relationships better.

Parenting crisis is a vast topic , just one blog doesn’t suffice. so i will come up with another part soon InshAllah which will cover some more useful concept on parenting . I would also appreciate for suggestions on parenting. keep in touch…

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