Expectations: Ladened human soul

One of the few stories , I have remembered from my childhood, is a fable of a hilarious trio of a man , a boy and a donkey. Many of you must have known this story for long. Allow me to rewind it again once more as a preamble to this post ..

A man and his son were going with their donkey to a nearby town’s market , while they were walking a countryman passing by said “you fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”

Brusquely, the man put the boy on the donkey and they went on their way, suddenly a passerby said ” look! how shameless the young boy is , for his own comfort he lets the old man walk”

Bemused, he ordered his son to get off and get on himself. Now they had not gone so far , two women standiñg aside, disgraced the man and taunted ” just look at this old folk , he does not have mercy for his son at all “.

The man didn’t know what to do then, he took his son up before him on the donkey. Now they had come to the town , the passers by began to jeer and point at them. The man stopped and asked , what he has done wrong ?

A man said “are you not ashamed of overloading the poor donkey… You and your hulking son????

In bewilderment, the man and the boy planned at something for not to be ashamed of anymore. They cut down a wood and tied the feet of the donkey to the wood and raised the wood and the donkey on their shoulders. Now the people in the market started laughing out of their lungs.

Amidst all of this laughter, they reached upon a bridge. Suddenly, getting one of his feet loose, the wood slipped out of the shoulder of the boy and the donkey became hysteric, fell in the river and drowned.

An old folk who followed them said “that will teach you”.

This must have reminded you of the moral lesson; “Please all and you will please none”.

Some people will argue that this belongs to human nature and it is so intrinsic that it’s unavoidable. So nobody will stop pleasing others and others will not stop disappointing those who build castles of expectations and hopes for conditional positive regards in return.

Yes, I agree to some extent, we build expectations intrinsically but I want to redefine it as;

“Expectations do exist, not as a part of human nature but as a part of our culture , our way of life and our cognitions”

We build expectations to our parents, our siblings, our colleagues, our partners, our subordinates, even to the passengers we are travelling with. To them who are our relatives, even to them who are not. If we smile at someone , we expect the other person should smile back. We adore others , because we want to be adored. We build heaps of expectaions for our every single action we do for others. And when this give and take doesn’t work out , the castle of unrealistic hopes collapses.

Recently, “log Kya kahengy” was another hashtag du jour. It took engrossment of writers, bloggers, and social media networks.

It is true that we do most often, what people want from us to do. We make personal decisions based on what people will going to react.(excluding those 1 percent of urban society who are trendsetters and are least influenced by people’s expectations, ( I have seen exceptions there too)).

Even though, knowing the fact that those people are a least contribution in the welfare of our lives. we always struggle to make them happy, to make them adore and endorse us. And we go to any extent for just this… only this…… And it is unbelievablly crappy thing that we do…..

As a psychologist I am a witness to this behaviour in terms of people attitude towards psychological problems , and mental illnesses. I have seen educated people’s having psychological disorders , not seeking treatments just because of “log Kya kahengy”, and what if someone saw while visiting a psychiatric clinic.

To my surprise , even we claim to be a Muslim community following the only Ultimate truth ; Islam , we prefer norms over religion. Our decisions are based more on societal norms than religion. Marriages in our society is the best prototype of this hypocrisy ( this word may sounds rude but it is what it is).

For me the decision of marriage is the most fundamental stanchion for a society. And we deal with it in perspective of “log(people)” and ‘rishta dar(relatives)”. That’s why our life is so incoherent.

This will not be difficult to identify , if i am claiming is right or not. To give it a test run, let’s suppose what if at first hand we try to alter the cognitions that serve as a subsistence to expectations.

At first let’s just try to alter this strategy at least in terms of cognition or our thought process. Because change in thinking is the first step towards change in action.

Few suggestions from my side as a headstart for the change track, later on your senses will going to lead you further…

🔼Stop thinking about people in terms of ATM, that you are going to insert the card and money has to come out. No matter how much you give (money, sincerity, loyalty, time , care , love etc ), it is not necessary that you will going to take anything equally in return . So when you start thinking like this, you won’t give anything to others more than your capacity. So expectations will be automatically lesser.

🔼If you want to do anything for others , do it unconditionally. Otherwise don’t bother. It’s better not to do rather then expecting back and getting hurt.

🔼My brother once told me , always think about human behavior as; “everyone is good and everyone is bad”, this thinking alone will not let you to build high hopes with people and won’t make you feel burdened . He was quite right I guess.

🔼As long as “log Kya kahengy” is concerned , then please read again the preamble of the post ..

“لوگ بس یہی کہیں گے”…

This is your life , it is the first and last chance in this world, you can’t ruin it just for the sake of those who will not accompany you neither in this nor in after life. Make your decisions as per your own thinking, and be ready to take the responsibility for repurcussions.

‘If you want a quality, act as if you already have it’.

William James, philosopher,1884

Happy reading

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